we been talking to pam and christy lately. lmao. those are my aunts btw. pam told me that we're going to DC on the 19th. it was originally the 9th. now it's the 19th. then we talked to christy today and she said the 21st. wtf. so much longer to waitt!! i'm so excited to go. we'll be getting back the night before thanksgiving. scary.

wth are we gonna eat?! lol lord knows dad can't cook all the shit my mom can by himself. hell, she can't make it all by herself. she needs me to help and we are still up til 5 in the morning. it's like the worst night of my whole year. maybe we'll mooch off of someone elses thanksgiving. lmao. that would be nice.


today was Granny Parker's 89th birthday party at the WW Mann retreat center in brooklet today. she seemed so sad. everyone says shes tired and she's ready to go... but she wants to protect her oldest and most mooching-est son. no one likes him and shes the only one that cares for and about him. she'll go when she decided its time.

halloween party was last night... it was okay. i danced with my dad and with Mike, he's a neighbor of ours. i got to drink too. i only drank 2 plastic cups of margarita. it was good. i haven't drank in forever. never really felt like it. but it was an okay party. i'm ready for a real party.

i hope my mom took my hints into consideration that i want a party for my birthday this year. i don't care if it's at the new bowling ally in pooler or if it's a party here at the house. maybe some of my friends will actually come to a party i have. i shouldn't get my hopes up. most of my friends are too good to go to my parties or they're too busy for me. it's my 20th tho. maybe this time will be different...

excited! i seem to be excited a lot huh? in like 2 weeks i'ma be in DC. in like a week it's halloween and i gots a costume and it's gonna be awesome. and TOMORROW i'z getting my punkin from summer's house ((they have a punkin patch... big pumpkins, ya?!)) then i clean and carve ze punkin and i love it forevers, ya?!

i want more cookies. i got some last night from McDonalds and they were really good. i wants more.

yay trueblood! nick got me hooked on it and i loves it. :) i loves him :)

woot! got my halloween costume! i have everything now! my mom got me fake eye lashes last night... i have amazing shoes... cute devil horns and a little pitchfork. lol i'z excited!

yay for halloween! i love it. :) i'll post some picutres maybe if i can when i get it and stuff. supa excited!

i finished the chronicles of narnia. all 7 books. it was real good, disappointing in the end, but good. each of the books were like 200 or more pages each. normally about 270 pgs.

i'ma start reading The Green Mile series by Stephen King. Ezch of those books are like 100 pgs or less... and there are 6 books. so... it shouldn't take long to read them, but i usually read at night right before i go to bed.

after i'm done with the green mile, i'm gonna try to read the Golden Compass trilogy. i've been wanting to read them since i lived in Augusta. :) this is the most i've read since school.

lol, one of my soro life sisters posted this on their facebook. it is creepy and hilarious all at the same time. it really is worth watching it.

http://www.facebook.com/video/video.php?v=1120448540083

 i am officially going to DC in November now.  paid for it and everything!  i am so excited!   

tomorrow is summer and kyles wedding.   waking up at 8am to bring food to summers house...  then coming back home to get ready and help mom get ready.  i dyed my hair earlier and put on some fake nails...  they're cute and they were cheap.  lol ...  i need to find my black leggings and pluck meh eyebrows. lol.  Still kinda debating whether i should wear orange eyeshadow or yellow.   maybe both.  zomg wuld that be cute or what?!  my mind is made... BOTH!  lol  i am the master at blending and shading eyeshadow now.....  well, prolly not the master...  but good enough to get massive compliments, y'know?

oh, i decided that i'ma keep a food journal.  it's not online, it's here at my house in a book.  lol  i started 2 days ago and it's not as bad as i thought  tomorrow will be bad b/c of the wedding but i told myself to pace through the wedding food.  lmao. i also dropped sodas... just sweet tea (which is just as bad as sodas...  lol) and water/flavored water.  been drinking a lot of that crystal lite stuff.  it's nom.  

i strightened my moms hair tonight...  she has a lot of fucking hair!  i dunno what we're gonna do to it for the wedding, i'm gonna try to talk her into a younger hairstyle like have a part to one side and maybe a bit of flip to the ends...  and since her hair is layered anyways, which i didn't know in the first place...  i'ms try to flip it insanely awesome    it's gonna take a while with that mass of hair on her.  like damn.   if you think my hair is thick... hers is 10 times thicker.  i got meh thick hair from my mom....  lol

i like hair.  and makeup.   mybe when i'm done with college and stuff, i can go to cosmetology school and learn... maybe make some money on the side... y'know?  i like makeup especially. i could put make up on mnyself and others all day long.  n.n   if it wasn't so expensive i would have all the colors of the rainbow.  lol.   i found a palate like that too!!  it had 80-something neon colors and i want it so bad...  only like 15$!!!  crazy cheap for a palate!  i wish i could remember where i saw it at.   it was online.   i wish i knew how to do the cat eye eyeliner  thing.  zomg!

im rambling.  i need to take my meds and go to sleep. lol  

i miss ppls.  a lot of ppls. i miss sprinkles, cassie, jessica, julie, chink, drew, katt, atari, alicia, Zack, hunter, jaleesa, Rosie, katie, Billiam, Josh, Lynz, and Louis....  i miss sherry, stacy, and Erika. I wish i had kept in touch better with the last 3...  now i'll never be able to even see or talk to them again.   :(   

i srsly need to go to sleep.  only 5 hours left to sleep.  zomg death! night ya'll!

 so i finally got to go shopping!  i liked spending my money on stuff i actually needed ((for the most part.  lol))  

i swear i tried on like a million pairs of jeans.   i ended up buying 2 pairs of Levis from Sears on sale too, but they were still a bit expensive. 2 pairs= 42$.  i also bought 2 pairs from Ross ((ZOMG I LOVE ROSSS!! always have.....  n.n))  and a super cute pair of shoes from there!!  they're black shiney flats with thick ankle cuffs.  got jessica a present and got me some peanut brittle.  lol   i think i got something else too... but i can't remember what it was.  alltogether i spent 54$ in there.....  but for 2 pairs of jeans... amazing shoes (12$ for shoes) and some knick knaks and whatnot.  

i also bought 2 bras... lord knows i needed REAL bras and not those lame ass sports bras that don't fit.   i got one from wal mart... and one from a bali outlet store.  I also bought one offline last night.  the one i got online is a push up bra.  zomg i can't wait for that bitch.  all i wanted was a push up bra and no one had them in my size.  lol

i need to buy or borrow some white or silver shoes and get some more red hair dye b/c Summer and Kyle are getting married this Saturday and i can't go out in public with red hair... fading to brown...  with super roots showing.  lmao.  silliness.  

i love shopping.  i feel like i needed it, i needed the jeans, all my clothes seem to be disappearing, i swear to god.   i still havent found my black gouchos and my fave blue shirt.  my mom bought me another pair of gouchos the other day, but they aren't the same and i don't like them as much.  sadness.

dun dun dunnn!!    the weird thing is...  the whole day i was shopping.... i didn't even LOOK at shirts!  wtf right?!  lol     my main objective was jeans. i needed them.  lol   Oh and i bought some tights from Hot Topic for my halloween costume.  i'ma be a devil.... all i need now is a dress.  lol  i have the horns and the pitchfork and tights....  the dress is all i need.  lol   i dunno where i'ma get it tho.  i found one online that is real cute... but it's like 45$   i don't even know if i'm doing anything this year.  lol   it's shiney thoughhhh!!  lol  i dunno.  there is another one online that is like 32$ but it's not as good looking as the other one.    ahh who knows.  i don't.  lol

 bought a print today for 6$ ya?!   it's awesome.   looked it up online tonight and the cheapest one i found was like 225$.   amazing.   however, i'ma keep it and out it in my room.   PROOF!

http://ditlef.com/mcgrewteal.html

i bought that!  'tis real purdy.  i might paint the frame a diff color, it's haunting me...  it's srsly a god awful color.  lol


i got a real bad bruise on meh leg.   it sucks.  it's starting to hurt when i walk.  lol 

uhhh....  i think thats all the good stuff for today.  lol

 it is official.  we are going to Washington DC in November for 4 days.  zomg so excited!      when my CD comes up i'm going to take out money for the trip and for college next semester.   i am so happeh.   

it's gonna be like a 9 hour drive.  it's gonna be suckage but awesome!    i'll be able to see snow this year most likely.  i am so excited!

 *sighs*  already getting annoyed by all this.  I've decided, since i am so damn bored and i need college to survive... to transfer over to Armstrong.  *GASP!* i know.  i don't want to go...  but i'm gonna have to.  i can't stand just sitting here.... wasting my life away when i need to get this education shit over with.  only 3 to 5 ((guessing here)) more years for the bs degree in psych. i think i have decided to minor in english.  no point on not doing it.  i'm semi good at it.... :)  i've had a best friend thats amazing in it, why  not.

so far, it costs 25$ to apply...  then the tuition just for 12 credit hrs was 2024$.    I can do that, but i'll need to work during college to get money for the next semester, yeah.    

at least they have psych and english as a minor.  at least.  plus ppl can show me where stuff is and whatnot.  

i'm just ready to go back to college and not be a lifeless thing.  i'm ready to leaarrrnnn!!!

 so.  instead of sending the diaper cake to Zakiya...  i brought it to her mother who lives like...  10 minutes from me.  n.n   her mom was all like omg!  i loveee itt!!  

thank god she lived close to me.  those retards with the postal service are insane!  they were all like...  30+$ for shipping.   it was not worth it.  good news to all this bad stuff.  i went to the post office and the lady in there was like   omg!!  how much did it cost?!  my daughter is having a baby soon!  can you make me one!?    i would def make her one.  she said she knows where i live b/c she delivers mail to the house on saturdays...  ((weird, ne?))  lol   so yeah.     she was really funny.   maybe this diaper cake thing will be worth it, y'know?  maybe i can make a little bit of money from it.

i am bored.

 i was just told that Zakiya isn't having her baby shower down here in effingham anymore.    i made that diaper cake for it... i am real proud of it... but i can't give it to her personally.  she lives literally across the state.  it's almost a 5 hour drive there from here.  i was real excited to go too.  :(

so...  i'm gonna send it to her in the mail.  i can only hope it doesn't fall apart on the way  over there.  but if it's going to cost me an arm and a leg.. i might just bring it to her mother and ask her that the next time she sees her to bring it to her. either way it's going to get to her somehow.  i really wish i coulda seen her face though.  it really is amazing.  *sigh*

 zomg.  i'm watching the vma re-run... and everyone on facebook was having a damn fit about something Kanye West said.  I just saw it and it was utterly horrible.  what had happened was  ((for those that don't watch))  Taylor Swift won the best female video award over Pink, Beyonce, Lady GaGa and a few others...  and she was real surprised  and happy... then Kanye came up on the stage, snatched the mike form her and said, "...Beyonce had one of the best videos of all time!"   what an ass.   srsly.   they showed Beyonce right then and she was like.... stunned and embarassed.    

it said that later beyonce apologized onstage when she won an award and gave taylor the stage to "finish" her speech she never got to finish.   Beyonce is such a lady.  n.n   

 chyeah!

i am an expert at hicky cover-up.   can't even tell i have one.  n.n 

i am proud of myself.  lol

oh...  just so ya'll know...  i made a diaper cake for one of my friends that we graduated with.  Zakiya Brown.    it is freaking adorablee!!  i'ma try to post pictures noww.  n.n






isn't it adorable?  i made it all by myself and it took many hours to do.   i loves it.  n.n

 my mom is such a bitch.  yesterday i just sent two bills off in the mail... and today i got a bill that was late again and they raised the price.  that means i am still in fucking debt.   when she gave it to me i like was like " damn, i just sent these off..."   and she started freaking out on me for no reason sayng, "oh.. so now your going to freak out about that?!  why?!  you're going to die young just like my mom because of bills!"   i was like...  uhhh  no i won't...  i was just saying that b/c i just paid them and i hope i don't have anything else to pay off...  y'know?

she is being a hypocrite anyways.   i don't really worry about my bills...  it's just a nuisance.    as for her...  my dad makes almost 900$ a week...  and she can't even pay anything off.  she has a damn fit about money every week.  she checks how much money she has at least... every other day  ((not an exaggeration))    and most of the time, she's bouncing.  it's her fault   she spends way too much money on nothing.  literally nothing.  i have no idea where it goes and what she buys other than bullshit.  honestly.

anyways... i am bored.  4 reals.  there is nothing to do and no one online.    i am bored.   sadness.lol

 i don't want to get all excited about this quite yet, i need to get the money for it first.  My mom, aunt Pam, aunt Christy, and myself... want to go to Washington DC.  my mom said i'll have to pay for myself and they're wanting to go in the 2nd week of november.    it'll cost ((including gas, food, and the hotel for 4 nights)) like... 350$   which is really cheap to me. however,.... i don't have a job and no money since nick is the only person that makes money.

i'm really not worried about a job, how weird is that?  but yeah.  so... my mom said i'll need to make at least 40$ a week each week from now til then.  if i get a job as a waitress... i can make that in no time at all.  n.n   waitressing=tips=goodly.  n.n

the thing is... it'll be us 4 "adults"   lol  and 3 children.  Amanda and Miranda ((Christy's girls)) and Autumn- Aunt Pams baby.  n.n  

god i hope this trip doesn't fall through.   zomg.  i've never been north of tennessee.   plus it'll be in november.  what if it's all snowing?!  it would be totally awesomeee!!!  i loves snow...  it's weird because i hate the cold.  lol  i'm a damn dork.

 this is mainly for Cassie and myself...  we're kinda looking at Savannah State University.  

1. tuition= 12hr-2010
                   13hr-2140
                   14hr-2270
                   15+hrs-2387
2. sad panda... Psychology isn't even offered as a major...    i was like  nooos.  but i can minor in it and while i'm a social worker ((Haha)) i can work on my masters as a psychologist-which you can do...  n.n
3. when we get out of school, we can go to the beach  lmao. it's only like 5 minutes away...    scary, isn't it?  lol
4. i didn't see the minority scholarship/grant.  i'm all for it though... i need it  lol.
5. Sgt. Smith told me the best thing for me to do is CLEP stuff...  he said it's totally worth the money paid.   less time in school=out sooner.  lol.   i'm gonna start looking stuff up about it.
         CLEP has 34 tests....  they're mainly core classes...  english, history, business, sci&math, and foreign langs.    each CLEP test costs 72$   each one equals one class in college...  which would normally cost like 500$ at a traditional college.   sounds good to me.  n.n

this all sounds good enough to me.  i guess.  as good as it can be in SAV.  i def can live with it.    

 okay....  so a couple of days ago..   a very close family friend...  her name is april.  she's like an aunt to me and a sister to my mom and her sisters...  told us that the doctors told her she had a brain tumor called an acoustic neuroma. it affects hearing and, where hers is located, her vision.  they told her that since it was so big, they needed to get it out immediately to make sure that it wasn't life threatening and that is isn't malignant (cancerous, for ppl who don't understand that that means.  lol)   she learned 4 days ago that she had a brain tumor.  she hasn't slept in 4 days.  couldn't eat or drink for 48 hours before today. crazy!!   

but  she came into the hospital at 12:30PM today...  so did we.   she got little spots shaved for the MRI on her head... 5 of them.  real small.  we prayed before the MRI with her.  we all waited a long time, esp April.  after she got her drugs in her that mellowed her out she stopped crying (since she's a really emotional person, this is kinda a huge thing... so it was kinda expected)     she had visitors for a few hours...  and since her surgery was supposed to last about 4 hours, she was last in line to be done on.   she finally went in at like 6:30ish.  we all waited 6 hours.  craziness.   it felt like we waited forever.     she was only in there for 2 and a half hours.   

the surgeon came in and told us that the surgery went almost perfectly.  99% of the tumor was taken out.  the only reason all of it wasn't taken out was because there was a little left on her cerebellum and he didn't want to mess with the cerebellum because it's a very fragile part of the brain.  he said it wasn't malignant and that, depending on how well she recovers, she can go home between tomorrow and the end of this week.    i swear we threw 30 questions at the guy.  we had like 15 people in the waiting room asking his questions.   i came home and wrote down some questions to ask them for tomorrow since we're going back to see her again.  

we figured the tumor was about 1 by 1 inch.   i asked him how big the tumor actually was.  i think we were all shocked of how big it really was.  he said between the sizes of a golf ball ((not less than 1.680 in)) and a lime ((supposedly like 1.7 inches... but i've seen some big ass limes, alright)).  a fucking lime!!  wtf?!    i hope we'll be able to see it.  

other than the good news of it going great..   today my tummy has been hurting...  i think i ate bad BK samach.  lol  we're going back tomorrow to actually talk to her and see how she's doing.  i cant wait to see her!!!   hopefully she'll be able to go home tomorrow.  it would be awesome.  i'm glad everything went well today.

 so yesterday was interesting.  i told nicky i would go pick him up form work and he said we could go out to eat since he got paid yesterday too.  he told me he didn't know what time he was getting off... sometime between 10PM and 11PM.   i told him i'd be there at 10:30.  i was there at 10:30 like i said and i went inside to ask when he would get off.   the lady told me in at least an hour.  so i'm all like wow, long time...  i'll go to corkey's house to bring her her shirts and i'll get my box of bathroom stuff that i've been looking for weeks for.   stayed there exactly an hour...  i got in my car and he had called me 8 times already... then i'm all speeding to get to him and it seems for the rest of the night he just hates me.  

so i pick him up and tell him i'm sorry... then he says he needs to go to BP for drinks...  i'm okay with that, i had to get gas in my moms car... and get ice for her.   we go eat at huddle house, pretty much the only thing open. lol.   he barely looks at me the entire time we're there... hasn't touched me...  nothing.  i was like... wow...  is he really this pissed at me or did he have a bad day at work?   i dunno. i told him he hadn't kissed me yet , so i pretty much forced him to kiss me...  then he tried really hard for some stuffed animals in the claw machine, but after about 10$ he gave up.  lol     he gave me most of the rest of his paycheck though so that i can pay off most of the bills.  thank god.  i have 150$ in bills that need to be paid....  then no more debt ((other than my mom  ugh))

but anyways....  as i was driving to randy's he said that he told me to be at his job at 11Pm.  i told him that i was there at 10:30 and the woman told me an hour...  i repeated it a million times, but i guess he didn't hear me, because... i dunno.  but at the time she said he would be getting off work NO LATER  than an hour. i took her word for it and it was her mistake.   he was blaming me again for not listening to him i guess...  but i just said okay!  you're right!  and stopped talking and just drove him to his next destination.

we got to randy's and he looked at me and asked what was wrong, by that time i was really upset because even though we were together that night...  he didn't seem to take any interest in the fact that i was even there...   and he seemed angry at me because i wasn't there to pick him up at exactly 11PM...   and also the fact that  he hadn't even touched me...  like... on my hands, arms...  face anywhere.... which is really weird.  normally he touches me..  in someway, pervertedly or not.   physical touch has always been big for us...  but i guess it doesn't matter anymore.  it really hurt my feelings though.     but i told him that i was upset while he were sitting in the car and then he touched me trying to make me feel better...  but it was wayyyyyy  too late for it then.   made me kiss him a few times...  then i helped him with his stuff in randy's house and he got all huggy and stuff, i guess to try to make me feel better.   still didn't matter even though it looked like it ((i guess)).   

the reason for us being together was actually spending time together and talking, which we did some of, i actually wanted him to spend the night, but he already made plans with randy for that night....  so it didn't work out...  but i just wanted us to be together like we had been for the last year...  but.   i dunno.

we did this move because we thought the original move of just him back here to springfield would be bad for the relationship...  but i'm hoping it doesn't backfire and break us apart like it seemed like it had by the showing Saturday night.  i just felt lonely and bad most of the night.  i miss him like hell, and i can't really see him ever because my mom is pretty much keeping me hostage in this house. i've always hated it here...  mainly because of her.  he thinks i can just leave, but i can't... when i am here...  i am not me, mine.  i am hers.  her slave.  i can't leave unless i have permission to.  unless i have cleaned her shit up enough to satisfy her for the day.  she will bitch and moan and whine and fuck with me so much that it is just... omg.  i can't even explain.   he just doesn't believe me when i tell him this stuff.  i guess if he can't believe me, the lack of seeing me might.

i just want him to love me..... hold me and be with me... talk with me and look me in the face....   i just hope no more saturday nights happen again.  i saw almost none of that then...  and it scares me so bad. i miss him and love him so much.   i don't want to lose him....